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At 3:59 pm yesterday, I thought I finally had it all sussed. The day started with me having a possibly great get-rich-gradually idea that gave me a woody. The upward curve continued after a hefty fry up with the life-changing discovery of Andrex moistened toilet tissues. Where have been all my life, O gently perfumed towelletes?
The drive to Ipswich was a breeze, the town was small and pleasant, the people were unforcedly friendly and the list meet was a model of its kind. Yes, I had the world under control. I could lift the veil and see its simple inner workings. It was all so laughably straightforward. Then the game kicked off and I realised that I knew absolutely f**k all.
How could the team that had just had a tiring trip to Moscow have by far the more energy? How could a team of professionals who allegedly practise for many hours per day make so many elementary mistakes, the kind of which would have a pub side cringing into their half-time cans of Skol? How the f**k did we get to top the league playing like a bag of sh**e? Search me. I'm just a mug who pays top dollar to watch our shambolic table toppers. The trouble is that I think O'Leary is equally clueless - and he's the one paid over a million smackers a year to figure it all out. No wonder he just falls back onto his comforting cliches. After all, football is a funny old game.
Ipswich are a good team - they have no real stars, no out and out match winners, but they have been superbly coached in all the elementary basics that elude our haphazard collection of big-time Charlies. Pass it quick, move quick, make a yard, get it in the box, support the front two, work your bollocks off when you lose it. Sounds simple, doesn't it. Tell that to DOL and Brian Kidd then.
In the first half we were an embarrassing shower as we set the unofficial record for the number of times caught offside. The linesman's flag was a dayglo blur. Only luck and poor finishing kept the score down. Paradoxically, we did create arguably the clearer chances through our greater individual (key word) talents. 1-0 at the break was the very least we deserved.
As the second half commenced I could tell our manager had reduced the comedy quotient by using his interval team talk to arrange the tea cups in formation to give his gormless charges one of those Offside 101 explanations you usually save for birds in the boozer. It worked. We were just average now, Ipswich started to defend deeper, and we all sensed that if we got an equaliser we would go on to win. We did and we did. In the end our individual (key word again) class told. If only we had a fraction of Ipswich's team spirit.
Wildly guessed player scores. I may have been sober, but I was day dreaming of moistened bum wipes.
Martyn: 5. His inability to command his area, especially from awkward crosses will probably hinder his international ambition. Needs to stand in the mirror and practise shouting "KEEPERS!!!" whilst trying to look hard.
Harte: 6. As average as ever. Needs a few good set pieces to make us forget his other flaws again. Booed by the tractor boys for getting Stewart sent off in last season's fixture.
Matteo: 6. Off the skag, but still dabbling with Methodone. Got better in the 2nd half as the opiate wore off.
Rio: 7. Kept us in it while Matteo did his Renton impression.
Mills: 5.5. Lost his man for the Ipswich goal, and lost his rag far too often. Lucky not to walk for a horrific two-footed lunge. Booed by the home fans for his Norwich past. Booked.
Bowyer: 6. Tried wilfully to make up in effort what he lacks in nous.
Batts: 7.5. Please lord, let our David be fit for the full season.
Bakke: 5.5. Looked knackered from the start, and too wasteful with the ball.
Kewell: 6.5. A match winner. We need them, only without the superstar ego.
Viduka: 4. Seems to have started the PFA strike prematurely. His snail-like ambles back onside had to be seen to be believed.
Keane: 7.5. Putting the ghost of Huckerby behind him. Full of good movement and a model of dynamic effort to Pieman's static indifference. Loses half a point for not being remotely clinical enough yet.
Subs. Are we allowed them now?
Ref: 6. To his credit, Andy D'Ozy tried to let the game flow but he let some shocking challenges go unpunished.
Linos: 3. Got lazy and started to assume we were offside for every attack. Rightfully barracked into submission by the visiting fans.
Report by Nigel "Maggie" Barber
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