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After my usual pre-match Kop bar pint of Strongbow (I don't actually like the stuff but it keeps our sponsors happy) I climbed up the dozen or so steps to the entrance to the arena. The MC was announcing the Leeds substitutes - "...Danny Mills, Jacob Burns, Alan Maybury.." I smiled - those jokers will never get a game..The MC continued "...and the Leeds United substitutes are - David Batty, Ollie Dacourt ...."
Shit.
The unfamiliar team lined up as :-
Nobbo
Jelly Frills Smackhead Cartehorse
No-way-bury ChineseBurns NoPants Argonaut
Pie Harry Cool
After 15 minutes, I wanted my money back. 25 quid for this 2nd rate shite. Lazio brought their 2nd team, so we put out ours. No Martyn, Rio, Rads, Batts, Ollie, Smiffy, Bremner, Hunter or Currie.
I spent the first quarter of the game straining to see if I could detect some sort of VPL in Lee Bowyer's shorts. I didn't realise up til now that some blokes wore no underpants/ skidders/ shreadies/ undercrakers out of choice. Wearing no underpants to me means that you had just had the misfortune to follow through and had discarded the aforementioned undergarment in a bog somewhere. Maybe Bowyer has no control over his bowels. Oh well you live and learn.
Back to the match....how dull...it was only the smell of the Cider burps that I was doing that was keeping me awake. The Cream of European football - yeah ! - and my arse is a cream bun.
One man, and one man only saved this game. It was 10 minutes before I noticed him but when I did my eyes never left him. A big thank you to Mr. Fabrizio Ravenelli. The erstwhile Boro striker (currently embroiled in a bitter legal battle with Grecian 2000) single-handedly lifted the gloom on this meaningless game. He gave it a purpose, he made it into a contest, he stirred the passion of the crowd, he dived about like a cheating Italian w*nker (or at least that's how most of the 5000 blokes behind me described him):
"R A V E N E L L I - he's a wanker !" they sang for a good while.
Nedved slipped down the right, clipped in a cross and the silver-haired striker nodded easily past Robbo who was glued to the post.
B*stard.
Leeds looked poor. Burns - well is Burns, Maybury scurried around in an ungainly and demented manner like a stooping crab, and Bowyer and Wilcox seemed to have their own agenda. Bowyer ran about as if his underpants were on fire. He never seems to pause for breath After good work down the right the ball ended up at Bowyer's feet and his deft chip off his shin looped over the Lazio keeper. 1-1.
A nano-second after the re-start the Silver Fox appeared out of a rabbit hole in the Leeds box and was about to get on the end of a high through ball. Matteo, running in treacle, lifted an arm to inhibit Rav's run. Minimal contact was made but thie was amplified x100,000 by the Italian and he collapsed to the floor. The ref pointed to the spot which coincided to the point where Ravenelli had made a meal of it. There was still some crumbs and side plate their in evidence. Not content with the spot kick the Big Silver Jessie remonstrated with the ref to show Smackhead Matteo a red card. The ref ignored his pleas. Rav then remonstrated with his team mates to get them to remonstrate with the ref to try and get Heroin-Head sent off. Their keeper ran the length of the field to get in on the remonstrating act. After about an hour it all settled down.
Foreigners are generally good at taking penalties. Bang ! 2-1 to them.
The Leeds players and fans infuriated by the Italians' attitude now wanted to win this game big style.
Just before half time Wilcox bashed home the equaliser at the far post from a corner. 2-2.
Ravenelli no doubt felt he was fouled, even though he was 20 yards away from the nearest Leeds player.
2nd half Leeds took control. Burns improved significantly and his passing became simpler and less error prone. Maybury, having had a full body transplant at half time ran riot down the right for a full 5minutes. Blimey we looked a team again!
Kewell was fouled out on the right and from the free kick Viduka nodded nonchalantly home. YES ! Shove your salami up your arse.
The Kop sang songs about Bowyer's lack of underpantage. Very funny indeed. Bowyer didn't laugh - presumably cos he'd just followed through.
Leeds played some good football, Wilcox got in some decent crosses and Kewell took it upon himself to score a goal from whatever angle or distance he was at. He didn't manage this impossible feat though.
A pie-eyed Viduka was replaced by Hackworth wearing handcuffs. The lad looks too slow for me. Maybe he was nervous. Every time he saw a copper in the crowd he ran off in the other direction. Leeds could no longer hold the ball up in the Lazio half and we looked to be losing our grip.
Sensing another goal Lazio picked up the pace and their unusually high proportion of long-haired players crimped, platted and conditioned their way back into the game.
We needed a Batty or a Dacourt to come on and steady it but it was a bit cold and the bench has a nice little heater under it.
Kidd came to the touchline to shout instructions. Kewell looked the other way. Kidd then held up a spare pair of undies - Bowyer shook his head.
With time ticking away Rav continued to dive about and Lazio conned lots of free kicks out of the ref. Robbo made one excellent save near the death.
In injury time the referee ignored a knee high challenge on Maybury and instead awarded a dangerous free kick to them just outside the box. This was Barca all over again. For the 1st time in the game I sat down - I knew we were about to concede a goal. As I looked up the ball whistled past Robinson (who was playing as "Silver Rav" in WWF Smackdown on his gameboy) and Leeds were denied for the 3rd game running by poor refereeing.
It was a good game in the end, considering little was at stake.
Thanks again Fabrizio.
Scores
Robbo 6 - Shot stopper - yes, commander of his box - not yet. Will improve with age no doubt about it.
Kelly 5 - Eyes closed... swing leg.. throw-in to them.
Harte 6 - Billy no pace.
Matteo 6.5 - Gave away the pen but did quite well.
Mills 8 - Made a couple of errors but played his heart out.
Maybury 6 - Had 5 good minutes. Don't be fooled.
Burns 6 - Tried hard but is not ready yet and may never be.
Bowyer 8 - Everywhere
Wilcox 6.5 - Forced to tuck inside (sounds like a sex-change !) but did ok.
Viduka 6.5 - not really arsed but scored and held the ball up when necessary.
Kewell 6 - Not fit. Too greedy, too pretty, too tight underpants.
Subs:
Hack 4
Batts (1 minute)
Reporter: Stotty
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