It was the night before the big match - and Beckham was having a night out at a Manchester Casino!
Feeling thirsty, but knowing Fergie wouldn't want him swigging beer, he went to a soft drinks machine and put some coins in. Sure enough, out popped a can of Coke. Excitedly, he put some more coins in and out popped a Fanta. Now delirious, he kept stuffing coins into the machine as the drinks came crashing out of the other end. Suddenly, a man came up behind him and said "Excuse me - but could I use this machine?"
"Sod off!" Beckham replied, "Can't you see I'm winning!"
David Batty and David Beckham collide in a Leeds v Man U 'derby' game, the tragic and somewhat unexpected consequence being that they both die and go to heaven. Having strolled through the Pearly Gates, God shows David Beckham to his new heavenly abode - as the latter sees this huge mansion draped with hundreds of Leeds scarves and banners. Clearly cheesed off, Beckham asks, "Why do I get such a small place when David Batty's house is so huge?"
God replies, "That's not Batty's house! It's mine!"
Beckham and Posh Spice are in the back of a taxi after a days shopping in London. The taxi driver asks, "Been anywhere nice today, mate?"
Beckham replies, "Uh, I can't really remember. What's the name of that underground station?"
"Waterloo?" says the taxi driver.
"No!" snaps Beckham, "Give me another one!"
"Charing Cross?" suggests the taxi driver.
" No, another one!"
"Knightsbridge" is the next suggestion.
" No, not that one. Keep going!" replies the chosen one.
" Victoria!" says the driver.
" THAT'S IT!" Beckham shouts, triumphantly," Victoria...where is it we've been today?"
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice!
It's late Sunday afternoon and Beckham is on the phone to Fergie: "Boss, I need your help!"
Fergie replies, worriedly,"What's up, David?"
"Well Boss, Posh is out shopping and I'm helping Brooklyn do a jigsaw puzzle. But all the pieces look the same. It's doing me head in, Boss!"
Fergie tries to calm him down, "Look David, there'll be a picture on the box to help you. That's what the finished puzzle should look like."
"Yeah I know, Boss. Theres a bloody big picture of a Tiger on the box but all the pieces just look the same.I just can't do it, Boss! It's doing me head in!" He pauses,"You couldn't come round and give us a hand, could you?"
Fergie can hardly believe it but replies, "If it's the only way I can get some peace, I'll be there in five minutes!"
The manager arrives and goes into the kitchen to find Beckham close to tears. "I told you boss! It's doing me head in. I've got the box and there's this sodding great picture of a tiger but how am I supposed to make it look like that? All the pieces just look the same don't they?"
Fergie shakes his head,"David, put the Frosties back in the box!"
Q: Why did Beckham get so excited when he finished his jigsaw, even though it had taken him six months!
A: It said 2-4 years on the lid!
Beckham walks into his local pub.
'A pint of your usual, David?' the Landlord exclaims.
Beckham replies, 'No! Just a half, then I'm off!'
Chelsea are playing Manchester United at Stamford Bridge. The game is only ten minutes old when Weah fouls Stam and gets booked. Weah is complaining loudly to the referee when Beckham races up to the Chelsea striker, puts his index finger to his lips and goes "Schhhhhhhhh," and runs away giggling.
Fifteen minutes later, Yorke scores for United after a dreadful mix up between Leboeuf and Desailly. Weah sprints back from the half way line and has a real go at them. Once again, Beckham runs up to Weah, puts his index finger to his lips again and goes "Schhhhhhhhh," and runs away.
At half time, Keane approaches Beckham and asks what all the fuss is about. Beckham puts his hand over Keane's ear and whispers. Keane looks at Beckham in disbelief and says, " No you thick pillock! I said he was a LIBERIAN!"
Beckham is being interviewed at a post match press session and he says, "Well you can get white ones and green ones and orange ones!" After the interview Ferguson asks his favourite son to come over and have a quiet chat. He explains, "Next time, David, try not to get so confused: they were asking you to explain TACTICS not TIC-TACS!
Reporter: The question everyone wants answering at present, David, is 'Is Victoria bulimic?'
Beckham: No...she's 100% British! She's never even been to Bulimia!
Apparently, the following is 100% true!
In a post match interview, asked about whether he is 'volatile' on the pitch, Beckham replies, "You could say that as I can play on the right or in the centre!"
Q: Why doesn't David Beckham eat pickles?
A: 'Cos he can't get his head in the jar!
Q: What do you call a United fan in Manchester?
Q: What has Old Trafford and Wormwood Scrubs at 4:45pm got in common?
A: They’re both full of cockneys trying to get out.
Q: What do you do if you come across a Man Utd fan having a drink of water?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head!
A London van driver used to cheer himself up by running over every Manchester United fan he would see, strutting along the pavements of the Capital in their ubiquitous red colours.
He would swerve to hit them, there would be a loud 'THUMP', then he would swerve back onto the road.
One day, as he was driving along, he saw a Priest hitchhiking. Being a kindly soul (other than his afore-mentioned little habit!) he thought he would do his good turn for the day - and so pulled the van over.
He asked the Priest, 'Where are you heading, Father?'
'I'm going to Mass at St. Joseph's Church,' replied the Priest, 'about two miles down the road.'
'No problem Father. I'll give you a lift. Climb in!'
The happy Priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly, however, the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively, without a moment's thought, swerved to hit him. Just in the nick of time, though, he remembered the Priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the supporter.
Bizarrely, however, even though he was certain he had missed his original target, he still heard that familiar loud 'THUD!' Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the Priest and said, 'I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan.'
'That's okay,' replied the priest, noncholantly, 'I smashed the little sod with the door!'
Q: What do you have when 100 Man Utd fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand!
Q: What do Man Utd fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to Man Utd fans?
A: It saves time!
Three football fans enjoying a few pints in their local, when one of them sees a twenty pound note in the fish tank. The landlord tells them that anyone who gets it out, before the piranha eats their hand, gets to keep it.
The Scouser, a Liverpool supporter, puts his hand in and, as quick as a flash, the piranha bites off two of his fingers. The second, a Tottenham fan, waits until the fish looks the other way and then puts his hand in. A split second later, he pulls it out with the whole of his left hand missing. Finally, the Man United fan puts his hand in and shouts out in triumph: a twenty pond note clutched proudly in his hand.
The landlord, stunned, asks how he managed to perform such an amazing feat. The Man United fan shows him his right hand where tattooed across his knuckles is "MUFC 1999 Champions of Europe!" The landlord says, "Ah...I understand now! Not even a bloody piranha would swallow that amount of bullshit!"
Q: Why are Man Utd fans like laxatives?
A: Because they irritate the crap out of you!
Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one! He holds the bulb and expects the world to revolve around him!
Q: How do you confuse a Man Utd fan?
A: Show him a map of Manchester!
Q: What have the moon and Old Trafford got in common?
A: They both have no atmosphere.........and no Mancunians have ever been there!
Q: Why don't Man Utd fans stand up at Old Trafford?
A: Well you would after that long car journey from Croydon?
Q: What do you call a Man Utd fan with half a brain?
Q: Did you hear the Post Office just recalled their latest issue of Manchester United stamps?
A: Yes: customers couldn't figure out which side to spit on!
Q: What's the difference between Phil Neville and a box of Sellotape?
A: One's a Glueless Kit....
Alex Ferguson is getting increasingly frustrated and annoyed at Leeds' ability to attract top youngsters. He is even more annoyed that they won't move to Old Trafford. So, always one for a cunning plan, he decides to disguise himself and set off for Leeds' training complex to find out what the secret of their success was.
However, no soon does he walk through the gates when he is spotted by Brian Kidd.
Kidd, seeing through the disguise in an instant, asks, "What's up Alex? What are you doing here?"
Ferguson says, "I won't lie! I think you're doing a great job Brian, but how are you managing to find and keep players like the boy McPhail?"
Brian looks at Ferguson for a minute and then says, "Well at Leeds we are trying to produce intelligent footballers. Bright players like Stephen McPhail thrive on it and can make decisions and solve problems on the pitch. I set him mental exercises all the time to keep him sharp. He loves it!"
Ferguson says "How do you mean exactly, Brian?"
Kidd explains. "I'll show you....Stephen, come here a minute. [McPhail trots over.] "I've got a problem for you - Your father's son is not your brother. Who is it?"
McPhail's eyes gleam and he says "That's easy gaffer! It's me, isn't it?"
Kidd pats him proudly on the back, "Very good Stephen!"
Ferguson goes back to Manchester lost in thought. He decides he needs to implement this. On the training pitch he yells, "Beckham! Come here a minute! I've got a problem for you!" [Beckham trots up, looking apprehensive.]
"Your father's son is not your brother, but who is it?"
Beckham's eyes dull in panic. "I think I need 24 hours to think this one out, Boss!"
Ferguson reluctantly agrees and Beckham races off to Ryan Giggs.
"Giggsy, I've got a problem for you! Your father's son is not your brother, but who is it?"
Giggs looks at Beckham and says, "That's easy, Becksy! It's me, isn't it?" Relieved, Beckham thanks Giggs and seeks out Ferguson the next day .
"Boss....I've got the answer to that problem you set me, yesterday!"
Ferguson looks genuinely surprised. "Yes?" he says, inquiringly.
Beckham proclaims smugly, "It's Ryan Giggs, isn't it?"
Ferguson, dumbfounded and exasperated, screams at his star midfielder, "No it's not, you stupid pillock! The answer's obvious, isn't it? It's Stephen McPhail!!"
Q: How many members of the Man Utd team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven: one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!
Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine eventually stops whining.
Andy Cole is ill - so Alex Ferguson, being the kind and considerate soul we all know him to be,offers to go shopping for him. While in the supermarket, he bumps into Harry Redknapp, the West Ham manager.
"Hello Alex! Small world, isn't it? What are you doing here?"
"I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Andy Cole."
"Sounds like a fair swop to me!!"