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New Years Eve...
The tall, powerfully built Australian glanced nervously around the room. Nobody had recognised him. He drank purposefully from his pint glass of golden lager. As the glass returned to the table he noticed the deep red lipstick residue . His wandering fingers wrapped around a curl in his long blonde wig. He didn't like dressing up as a woman but this was the only way he could avoid the persistent public gaze in this unforgiving parish.
He wandered over to the bar to replenish his supplies. His steadiness in the high heels gave him confidence. He smiled. It was at this point he noticed the eyes. Across from the dance floor. The Eyes pierced into him. He was afraid. A bead of sweat ran the length of his strapless back and nestled into his suspender belt. The Eyes approached. He held his breath.
"What are you doing here ?" hissed the Eyes.
"Listen..I..Kells...I just needed a pint...besides what are you doing here ?" The Australian then noticed the slinky black number that the Eyes were wearing. The dark mascara contrasting perfectly with the pale cheeks and glistening blue eyes.
"Marco, don't come the wide c@nt with me ! I'm club captain when Lucas is out - so dont fecking clever it - OK ?"
"Look Kells, its 3am lets get a large kebab and talk this over"
The Eyes nodded reluctantly but then sparkled becoming more animated - "I've got a couple bottles of the old malt in the house that Hartey got me for Chrimbo. Lets go !"
Marco smiled and as he followed Kells out into the cold air he noticed what a lovely erse his stand-in captain had. "Give us a snog Kells" he pleaded.
New Years Day....
A number of years ago not-so-professional footballers had a reputation for drinking lots of ale before and after big football matches. Nowadays with the massive cash injection into the game, the huge rewards on offer, the large price of failure, the constant public demands and attention means that most footballers would rather cut their own testicles off with a blunt scythe than be caught supping a pint of the amber nectar.
Nobody, it seems, has told the Leeds players.
Leeds have the 3rd best squad in the Premier League. A manager's dream. We are 13th in the league. The league rarely lies.
Liverpool, Arsenal, Leeds are searching for this magical commodity called consistency. Leeds need look no further. We are consistently piss poor.
Sunderland, Ipswich, Newcastle , Leicester are not a patch on Leeds in terms of ability. But they all work their socks off and as a result are in the top 7.
A successful team needs to strive for the 4 Ps - Power, Pace, Passion,
Panache. We have the 3 As - Abject Ambivalence and Apathy.
The Leeds players appeared for the 2nd half a few minutes before the Boro players or officials did. This presumably was to avoid the tea cups that DOL was throwing at them after another insipid 1st half display. It worked briefly as Leeds tore into the Smoggies for 15 minutes. At last the crowd found its New Year voice and things looked sparkling white. Leeds had 3 appeals for penalties and the 1st and least likely one got the spot kick from the myopic David Ellary.
With Harte on the bench who was to be our penalty taker ? Viduka hovered around like a hungry wolf outside a chicken shop, Keane picked up the ball and brushed the Aussie aside. Viduka looked affronted but when Keane whispered "I'll buy you a family pack of Asda pork pies and 10 bags of quavers" the Big Man looked appeased. Keane effortlessly stroked the ball in and cartwheeled in front of the adoring Kop. He attempted to rous the crowd further by shaking his fist at them. Nice try.
Leeds determination soon fizzled out. Boro's 8 man back line gave Leeds precious little in way of clear cut chances. In fact we had none. The first half was a similar story, Leeds had all the possession, Boro sat back, Leeds went nowhere. Out of the blue Boksik left 3 Leeds defenders nattering to each other about knitting patterns on the half way line and he clipped the ball past Robinson as if he was not there. Boro fans sang a bizarre tune. They were entitled to cos this was a bizarre game.
In the final 5 minutes of the game when it was expected that Leeds would be tearing into the opposition, Boro sneaked forward and had Stamp not dithered about so much when clean through, then Leeds would have been beaten. Again. Four minutes of injury time still produced no urgency in the team or the crowd. Smith battled bravely for a throw in level with the Boro box. He chased after the ball, turned to throw it quickly BUT no Leeds player was within 20 yards and none made any effort to get close. That summed us up.
Remember when that injury time board against Barcelona showed "4" minutes ? - they raised their game even further and got the goal they deserved. Today we couldn't be arsed. Poor Batty tried hard on his 1st full game back but he looked tired and old. Bless him. He's the same age as me and when I got home I checked my face for wrinkles and applied mountains of Oil of Ulay to any cracks I found around my eyes. Strangely my old man has no wrinkles at all. However when I get out of the bath after half an hour it usually has lots. Today the 2 Leeds fullbacks had acres of space to exploit but both Matteo and Kelly failed miserably to deliver. At least we got a point.
Scores
Robinson 5 - two saves to make all game. Saved 1, missed 1
Kelly 3 - Considering he had 10 pre-match vodka redbulls he did ok. Next time you have double vision during the game though Gary - choose the other ball.
Matteo 4 - Has contracted Mad-Kelly disease. Shit scared to cross the ball.
Rio 5 - Nice on the ball but 2 huge gaps appeared in our defence.
Radebe 5 - As above.
Bowyer 7 - Ran well with the ball. Should have had at least 1 penalty
Dacourt 7 - The usual commitment and skill
Batty 5 - Looked like a retired homosexual - ring rusty !
Wilcox 5 - Like Batty looked off the pace and not match fit.
Viduka 3 - Lost the ball for the 1st goal. Looked disinterested. For a big man gets knocked off the ball very easily.
Keane 7 - All over the place, only himself and Bowyer had any confidence to try and do something positive with the ball. Why did he come off ? Great penalty !
Subs:
Smith 6 - Full of energy but should have replaced Viduka much earlier.
Crowd 3 - does anyone give a flying fcuk anymore ?
Boro 5 - boring but hey ! why not be ?
Barnsley will be shitting themselves.
Happy New Year.
Reporter: Stotty
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