Now regular listeners may know that I'm one of the more optimistic supporters but really, really....this was sheer, unadulterated, embarrassing, **consults Thesaurus** pathetic, insipid shite. I've not seen a performance this bad since the arse end of Wilko's last season. And while a few 'Sack O'Leary'ites popped up on the after-match talk shows, it's mainly not his problem. OK, we know he's tactically clueless at times, including another mind-boggling substitution today when Viduka, showing less interest than Hasseltwat on an off-day, was not hauled off for Keane - even a half-fit Kewell is more likely to produce summat than that lazy sack o'shite was today.

Having said that, forwards can do nowt without service, and, bar a couple of occasions over the whole 90 minutes, that's what they got - nowt. The whole midfield bar the ever-impressive Dacourt strolled round like they were off to feed the ducks in the Tyne. Oh, except when Bow reverted to popular stereotype and decided to kick people instead.

With nothing in midfield, the defensive four stared like rabbits in headlights as a frankly average Toon side, roared on by 50,000 prawn-munching tossers, swarmed all over us.

And it all started so well. Actually, no it didn't. Our comedy defence, with Uncle Gary Kelly putting in a display which Nigel Worthington would've been ashamed of, presented two gilt chances to the skunks, both of which they made a hash of, before we got a free-kick which Ollie hit against the wall for a corner. Nah, someone had moved, the ref booked him, he argued, the ball went forward 10 yards, and Ollie found a gap in the wall from about 15 yards out. 0-1.

I think we had another shot later in the half, but regardless for the rest of it Newcastle passed it around, regularly lost it, but that didn't matter as we immediately gave it them back every time. One saving tackle from Rio and another from Woody kept it at 0-1 but the defending was shocking - at one point two zebras arrived at the far post, both completely unmarked for a cross, Kells having decided to nip off early for a half-time pie. Five minutes before half time Bow booted someone into the air and Solano converted the free-kick in spectacular style from 30 yards out.

Before I'd even finished the fag I'd lit at the point that went in, Kells got in on the act and Acuna met the resulting free-kick with no yellow shirt even close to him.

Fu*cking hell. 2-1.

Well, that was the good bit. The second half was even worse. Bow hit the inside of a post from a nice move constructed by Keane and Kelly, and that was it. But bringing Keane on for Kewell left us practically playing 4-3-3 and as we know from earlier this season 4-3-3 means no width and we just kept running into a stripey wall.

So the other 44 and a half minutes were solely taken up by us giving the ball to Newcastle and them failing to do anything much with it. Utter, utter garbage. Oh, and this was a Newcastle side missing Christ knows how many first team players too....

Marks:

Robbo 6 Couldn't do anything about the goals, not seriously tested otherwise.

Kells 1 Embarrassingly bad at times.

Woody 6 Considering he had to play right-back as well, good. An excellent saving tackle in each half.

Rio 5 Didn't do too much wrong, but....

Matteo 4 Oh, for a full-back with pace.

Bakke 3 See ball, get ball, give to opposition.

Bow 4 Tried, anyway.

Dacourt 7 The only one to deserve a full wage packet this week.

Kewell 4 Obviously not fully fit. So why not play Wilcox for fuck's sake?

Viduka 3 Hmmph. Talk about blowing hot and cold.

Smith 4 Never even got into the game, though this may possibly in part have been due to the f*cking great 20-yard gap between midfield and him 90% of the time.

Subs:

Keane 6 Did OK. Woke Newcastle up, anyway.

Batts 6 At least someone can put their foot on the ball and pass it to a yellow shirt.

If we can't beat Everton I may start to panic a bit.

Reporter: Si C