There's only one thing wrong with football.....I'll explain.

All week we look forward to our fortnightly trip to Elland Road, to see our lads pull on the white shirts and to play beautiful winning football. We dream of slick attacking, tricky wing-play , blistering pace, deft touches, spectacular finishing and no little commitment and passion.

Unfortunately, and this is the problem with football, there are 11 players on the opposite side who are trying like buggery (not a particularly pleasant simile!) to stop you playing and to spoil your party.

Harry Redknapp is no fool. He, like a few others, has sussed Leeds out at home.

* Play one upfront, preferably somebody who can hold it up and who has enough pace and skill to take several players on if necessary.

* Play with 2 wide midfielders to deny our full backs any forward movement. Thus reducing the width of the game to a minimum.

* Get very physical with the front men, challenge for every ball and don't mess about with it.

* Crowd the middle and don't allow Leeds to settle on the ball or allow them to pass it about.

* Ignore Huckerby cos he's not worth marking.

West Ham played a very similar game as we did at Chelsea last Sunday. Work, close down, hassle, harry, haggle, work, work and more work. Chelsea struggled to break us down and we struggled to break through the Cockney's rearguard.

Before the game the team news seemed to favour the home team - No "Gobshite" Di Canio or "England's nearly ready but not quite Saviour to be " Joe Cole. Leeds were unchanged but Wilcox, disappointingly was not on the bench. Maybe it was just a little too soon for him.

Leeds started brightly and after 10 minutes I believed we would win 3 or 4 nil. Dacourt broke free twice and fired powerfully but without accuracy. We were all over them.

The Hammers - or Irons as they call themselves - quickly got their act together and from then on stifled the life out of Leeds.

Why Irons ? The rhyming slang for a poof in the East End is an Iron (as in Iron Hoof.) So "Come on you Irons !" translates as "I like men's bottoms". No wonder we didn't try and tackle them in midfield.

Fredrick Kanoute, the lone striker, played out of his skin. At 17 foot tall he won everything in the air and managed to take most passes on his chest, bring it down, and then run like the wind evading 3 or 4 tackles at a time.

Radebe was led a merry dance. Mills' pace rescued him but still did not stop the Millennium Dome headed central defender hauling the Frenchman back when through. Yellow card.

Very little happened in the first half and the chances of a goal were 7 zillion to 1 . So with 50 seconds remaining of the half I went to syphon the old python of its pre-match sponsors drink. On returning, I heard the 1800-strong pocket of "Irons" singing "one-nil to the cockney gay boys"

F**king hell - i'd gone for a piss to make me feel better and now this! Winterburn, 73, scored it. A header I believe.

Leeds, obviously not at the races in the 1st half would come out with a winning strategy and would blow our Southern queerboy friends away.

WRONG !

It was 10 minutes into the 2nd half until we even got into their box. West Ham were in control. They must have smiled when they saw Huckerby appear after the interval, replacing the injured and fatigued Bakke.

Lets be honest here. Huckerby is at best, a big pile of steaming dogsh*t. He is a 1st Division player. O'Leary made a mistake signing him. At the time I believed he was a class player and I admit I was also wrong. Sell the gimp now before his value plummets much more below its current standing of 17 pounds and 50p. Give him away to the "Children In Need" appeal to raffle off. West Ham were pissing themselves.

Stuart Pearce and Nigel Winterburn played like wise old men with spring chicken legs, Rio purred like a young Radebe kitten and Ian Pearce was strong and determined. Viduka and Smith hardly got a kick. Such was the tightness of the marking that even when Bowyer or Dacourt managed to skilfully twist and turn away from their marker then they were soon grappled by another West Ham robot programmed to "STOP THE OPPOSITION "

So with no width, no space in midfield and no hope of holding it up front Leeds were looking a bit low in the goal chance creation department. Harte whistled a few long range free-kicks wide and Smith curled a shot inches wide.

An equaliser would have been a bit hard on West Ham after all their efforts but I suspect judging by his tactics that Redknapp had come for a point, and he was probably as surprised as I was when the Hammers scored. All I do know is that when they did score I was holding my willy. Harry may have been too (his, not mine!)

As usual in these times of hardship and depleted squads we had f**k all on the bench to inspire us, and as usual O'Leary's tactical subtlety was absent. Leeds playing 4 at the back, West Ham 1 up front. It didn't add up.

Anyway, had we played til Christmas we would not have scored. I can't really fault the players' commitment cos I'm sure they were trying but it just wasn't our day and West Ham collectively made sure it was never going to be.

Thank heavens for the Champions League because

(A) we can use it as an excuse for being tired after a Champs Lge game

(B) we can use it as an excuse for not trying before a Champs Lge game

(C) we can have superb mid-week games against the cream of Europe.

Unfortunately, it appears that this season too many games and too many injuries have taken its toll on a talented young team and we should enjoy our European Elite adventures whilst we can.

After the superb display at Chelsea it was quite depressing today to see another team run us into the ground. Leeds were poor but West Ham did the damn hardest to spoil 38,000 Yorkshiremen's weekend. This was their 1st win at Elland Road since 165 BC.

By the way - can anyone in our team take a long throw ? Its embarrassing when it takes us 3 mins to take a throw cos there's nobody near enough for Harte/Kelly to throw it to.

Robinson 7 - Only had to make 1 real save all game.

Kelly 6 - Penned into his own half. Thankfully.

Harte 6 - As above. Had the worst shot ever skew into the South Stand.

Mills 6 - Struggled to mark his own shadow

Radebe 6 - Kanoute made him look foolish at times.

Bowyer 6.5 Wasted out on the right 1st half. Tried hard.

Dacourt 7 Evaded the clutches of the Irons as best he could

Bakke 5 Played as if he had a ball and chain on.

Matteo 5 The game passed him by. Not a wide left player.

Smith 5 Dealt with by the old brigade.

Viduka 6 Dropped too deep, twisted and turned but all to no effect.

Subs

Huckerby 4 Beats his man at will but keeps forgetting to take the ball with him !

Ref 4 Bizarre decisions both ways. Wore the same colour shirt as West Ham in the 1st half. Changed it 2nd half otherwise Huckerby may have tried to mark him

Crowd 6 Tried to rally the troops. Seen it all before v Man C and v Ipswich so we knew we'd get beaten.

Depressed :-(

Reporter: Stotty

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